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In mediæval times, before much of the ancient knowledge
of alchemy and natural science was lost, a few skilled
scientists were able to construct living creatures from
inanimate substances by chemically combining very large
molecules in such a manner that their shemps actually increased.
The Golem was made by forming the shape of a man in pure
distilled mud, adding carefully calculated amounts of trace
elements (mostly salt and biscuits, but the exact formula has
been lost), and finally impressing the hebrew symbol יה
meaning "life" into its forhead with the thumb. The most
skilled alchemists were able to produce a creature of the
fourth shemp; virtually indestructible and unquestioningly
willing to do their bidding, and one was once created
with the power of speech. The creature
ultimately turned on its creator and killed him by pushing a
pencil up his nose as far as it would go, and retired to the
country where it became a small but malevolent flower bed,
and eventually lost consciousness after a heavy rain smudged
its forehead.
The Geneva convention specifically prohibits research
directed towards the rediscovery of the alchemical
formulæ for Golem construction.
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